Thursday, November 6, 2008

A Good Guest

Rules to Live By.

1. Never arrive empty handed.
Even if the host hasn't requested anyone to bring anything, a nice bottle of wine or bouquet of flowers is always appreciated.

2. House Warm
If it's a housewarming, bring a plant or some cutesy house item like modern art salt shakers or a fruity fragrant candle.

3. Don't overstay your welcome
If the host is trying to clean up or has made hints about how tired they are, LEAVE. Don't hang out. Unless you are too drunk to drive and then ask if you can stay on the couch. But don't keep your hosts up. It's annoying. If you do it, you will forever be dubbed "Dupree."

4. Thank you
In this digital age, it's acceptable to send a Thank You email to the host for the party, even if you had a bad time. However, if the party was thrown in your honor or if the host did something in particular that was special and you enjoyed it, a nice handwritten note is appropriate.

5. Don't bring an entourage
If the invite says guests are welcome, an acceptable amount is 2-3 people, unless otherwise noted. Don't bring 15 of your closest friends to someone's house party.

6. Music
Don't take it upon yourself to change the music or increase the volume. That's not your job. Unless your the DJ.

7. Keep it Clean
If you have to take a big sh*t, try not to. And put the toliet seat down after you pee fellas, for Chrissake! ;-)

8. Clothes
Keep your clothes on. Unless you are taking porn Polaroids in the bathroom, then it's totally acceptable to get naked.

9. Shoes
If the host asks you to take your shoes off, don't make a big deal out of it. It's totally within their rights as owners of the home to not have dirt and schmutz tracked across their floor or carpet.

10. Throw up
If you gotta puke, don't do it behind a couch or someplace the host will never find it. Not cool, dude, not cool. You know who you are.

11. Pets & Kids
Always ask in advance if children or pets are welcome. Don't assume that just because you think your Pomeranian is cute, that everyone will. They won't. And if you bring your screaming baby to a hipster party full of singles, this might happen...

12. Don't make inappropriate toasts
For anyone who's seen Rachel Getting Married, you know what I mean.

13. Attire
If you are dressed just like the hostess, GO HOME AND CHANGE. For reals, SWF.
14. Don't eat all the crudite

15. Don't tell the hostess she looks like your mom
Unless you're name is Maddox, Shiloh, Zahara, Pax, Knox Leon or Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt

16. Don't fall out the window
Injuries and deaths are a buzz kill.

17. Don't take your crap home
If you brought a six-pack and people only drank one, don't take the other five home. It's gauche as hell.

18. And per my friend Lo...
If plastic cups are provided, don't rummage through the cabinets and use the host/ess's nice glasses. Cuz you'll break them loser face.


ChiefAdminOfDrunkenness said...

who threw up behind the couch? Also, if there are plastic cups provided, don't take it upon yourself to rifle through the cabinets and find the coolest glass around... RIP 13th Street Ladies pimp cup.

AGMAC said...

Alas, I cannot reveal who threw up behind a couch about two years ago at a house party. And good point about the cups--in fact, don't go rummaging through people's cabinets ever at a party.

AGMAC said...

Oh and don't steal people's shit! Especially cd's or perscription drugs.

fear surgeon said...

i'm sorry but you have to tell us who puked behind the couch. you cannot keep it to yourself. anyone who secretly pukes behind a couch deserves to be publicly humiliated...wait...

...unless it was me. was it me??

AGMAC said...

I am sworn to secrecy.

ChiefAdminOfDrunkenness said...

I did a doubletake, too, like, 'Wait... did I throw up behind someone's couch?' Possible. Did I steal someone's astronaut ice cream at a house party? That's one secret I'll never tell... xoxo!